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Fate decreed I was not on the Leppings Lane terrace but on the Hillsborough playing field instead, initially oblivious to what was going on. I was the Liverpool player furthest away from that end when the first fans came on to the pitch and I assumed it was some kind of pitch invasion. At six minutes past three, the players were ushered off the field and into the dressing-rooms and on our way there we had the first inkling that, far from crowd trouble being the reason for the delay, there had in fact been a tragedy.
I overheard people talking of serious injuries to Liverpool fans and, worse still, deaths. At a football match? I could not comprehend it. But he was walking round nervously, refusing to sit down. Most of us were seated, though some were standing, doing stretches and simple exercises.
Some were reading the programme. I don't remember what I was doing but I do remember seeing fans walking past the dressing-room door with tears in their eyes. The referee Ray Lewis came into our dressing-room at around half-past three and told us to be ready to go back on as the match, he said, would re-start as soon as possible.
Kenny went out into a corridor and I heard a fan shouting at him, 'People are dying, Kenny' or words to that effect, and at four o'clock, Ray Lewis came back to say the match had been abandoned. The confirmation that Liverpool fans had died reached us while we were getting changed.
Some of us were showering, though some had already put their clothes back on. Again, I don't remember exactly what I did. I looked over to John Barnes and could see tears in his eyes. He was sitting there quietly, not wanting to be disturbed. A few of the other players looked stunned.
I couldn't talk. Nobody could. My friends. Naturally, I had to find out whether or not they were safe. But how? My dad was in the stand above, he was in bits and later told me what he had seen, like a tide going out and leaving rubble behind. Kenny was determined to keep us all together in the dressing room, out of the way. When we were all dressed, the Liverpool manager told us to go quietly to the players' lounge upstairs. Minute by minute we could feel the situation getting worse.
Even before we got into the lounge we could see the girls working there were sobbing. They obviously knew more than us. At the other side of the lounge there was a television screen showing live pictures. The reporter spoke of deaths, the figure rising minute by minute.
It was only when I got home that night that it all began to sink in. I was watching television with Joan and, inevitably, it was the main story on the news. That was when we broke down as on, bursting into tears and hugging each other. We cried for most of the night and slept little. He said he wanted me to join the rest of the players at Anfield for a meeting.
In the immediate aftermath of Hillsborough, Kenny showed tremendous leadership qualities a lot of people didn't think he possessed. He told us to be dignified and insisted we set an example. There were already a lot of scarves tied to the railing - not all of them were Liverpool scarves - and there was an overwhelming scent of flowers in the air. I didn't want to be seen but a group of reporters had spotted me.
That spoiled what should have been a private moment. I was, after all, a Liverpool fan. I wanted the same anonymity as any other person, I deserved it. Again, the enormity of what had happened hit me hard. We were beginning to see how it was affecting the city.
People were breaking down, not really knowing what to do. All the players were at the Cathedral that night to hear Bruce Grobbelaar read the lesson. Each player dealt with the tragedy in his own way. My first tangible response was to pull out of the Republic of Ireland's World Cup qualifying match against Spain in Dublin on 26th April. Playing football was the last thing I wanted to do, I had no motivation.
I remember giving an interview to the Echo in which I said I didn't care if I never played again. I meant every word. For the two weeks following the disaster I was in a state of shock, helpless to do anything. I feel no shame in admitting Hillsborough affected me mentally for a time, a long time.
I couldn't cope, it weakened me physically, emotionally and mentally. I remember trying to go jogging but I couldn't run. There was a time when I wondered if I would ever muster the strength to play. I seriously considered retirement. I was learning about what was relevant in life. I didn't really see the point in football. Reading about the parents who lost sons or daughters at Hillsborough made me think of my own children.
My son, Paul, was only seven at the time. I was only a little older when I went to my first football match in the s. Paul and Joanne have never been less than the most important things in my life, yet after Hillsborough they became more precious, if that was possible. We all became closer as a family. It meant going into hospitals to see the injured. In some cases, it meant trying to talk people out of comas. I was asked to try and do that for a young lad called Lee Nicol from Bootle.
Lee was fourteen but looked about ten and reminded me of my son, Paul, he looked a lovely kid. Lee was in the middle of the crush but still alive when he was pulled out. As he lay there in a coma, I whispered words into his ears. I asked the doctor about his chances of recovery. I hadn't realised how badly Lee was injured and that news ripped into me.
It is changing, though — finally we are getting used to seeing smaller pitches, smaller goals. If you have 22 tiny kids on a full-sized pitch, the only way to get to the other end is boot it as hard as you can. It makes the kids treat the ball like it is a bomb — get rid of it before it blows up.
Things are getting better though, with the academies AC: That is all about the clubs. Do Premier League managers care about whether England do well? GL: No, they care about the club, but the new changes will develop and the net will grow and we will have more and better younger players. I do see encouraging signs for the future. GL: Probably true.
England have none that compare. GL: Spain struggled in Brazil, but what a run. They changed their whole thinking about how to coach young players, then the Germans did it. We have done it to a degree, but half-heartedly. But there are signs. There is a nucleus there with some good young players. AC: Is the German League better than ours?
If you look outside Bayern Munich and maybe Dortmund, the league as a whole is weaker. It is a better-run league and they produce a lot of quality players. But Bayern Munich are so far ahead, beating everyone easily, so it is not nearly as competitive. Their strategies are more aligned. GL: That is the problem we have. But the real issue, the thing we have never got right, is the way we coach young players.
It is changing.
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Payment method restrictions. Online UK customers only. I got through that and Kenny took me to Hillsborough but I never, ever thought that at any stage I would be taking part in the game. Then Barry Venison got a virus late on the Friday night. Kenny told me I was down to play a couple of hours before kick-off and that was traumatic for me before everything else started. It was the semi-final of the FA Cup, which was such a massive game at the time, and I really didn't think I was ready to play.
We started the game and it was just like any other semi-final. The tension levels were higher than in any other game you play because at that time the semi-final of the FA Cup was so big because of what was at stake for the winners and losers. If you won you got to play at Wembley and we'd been there the year before and been massively disappointing against Wimbledon so we were looking to set the record straight. We were all looking forward to the game from that aspect and the Liverpool supporters had travelled down the M62 in numbers, as they always would do.
Six minutes into the match it all went pear-shaped. I saw the first two guys who got onto the pitch and I told them to "get off — you're going to get us into trouble. It was surreal. We could not believe what was happening. It never really sunk in until we went upstairs and saw what was happening on television. Our wives and girlfriends were in tears and that's when we realised the magnitude of the disaster that was happening in front of our eyes.
Without a shadow of a doubt it was the worst time of my career. You can't compare the aftermath to anything in football. It was totally different to anything else. Nothing you had ever seen or done in your life could prepare you for the next 10 days, two weeks and even after that. When the families came to Anfield it was like in the end they were counselling us. Everyone was in tears every day and that was hard but it was nothing compared to when we started going to the funerals.
I naively thought that once I'd done four or five funerals it might get easier but it got worse. It was so tragic, every single one, and all of them had 'You'll Never Walk Alone' played at the end. When I start talking about it the memories come flooding back and what a difficult time it was for everybody. For us, as players, it was difficult but for those who had lost mothers, fathers, brothers, sons, whoever…their lives had ended.
I just felt so sorry for every single one of them. Our first game after Hillsborough was a friendly at Celtic 15 days later and in actual fact the easiest part about it for us was playing again. You focus on the game and so playing was the easy part.
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The tension levels were higher than in any other game you play because at that time the semi-final of the FA Cup was so big because of what was at stake for the winners and losers. If you won you got to play at Wembley and we'd been there the year before and been massively disappointing against Wimbledon so we were looking to set the record straight.
We were all looking forward to the game from that aspect and the Liverpool supporters had travelled down the M62 in numbers, as they always would do. Six minutes into the match it all went pear-shaped. I saw the first two guys who got onto the pitch and I told them to "get off — you're going to get us into trouble.
It was surreal. We could not believe what was happening. It never really sunk in until we went upstairs and saw what was happening on television. Our wives and girlfriends were in tears and that's when we realised the magnitude of the disaster that was happening in front of our eyes. Without a shadow of a doubt it was the worst time of my career.
You can't compare the aftermath to anything in football. It was totally different to anything else. Nothing you had ever seen or done in your life could prepare you for the next 10 days, two weeks and even after that. When the families came to Anfield it was like in the end they were counselling us. Everyone was in tears every day and that was hard but it was nothing compared to when we started going to the funerals. I naively thought that once I'd done four or five funerals it might get easier but it got worse.
It was so tragic, every single one, and all of them had 'You'll Never Walk Alone' played at the end. When I start talking about it the memories come flooding back and what a difficult time it was for everybody. For us, as players, it was difficult but for those who had lost mothers, fathers, brothers, sons, whoever…their lives had ended.
I just felt so sorry for every single one of them. Our first game after Hillsborough was a friendly at Celtic 15 days later and in actual fact the easiest part about it for us was playing again. You focus on the game and so playing was the easy part.
It basically took our minds off what had happened and anything that did that was respite. The whole thing was still with us. The memories, the bereaved families faces — it was just horrific so playing again was the easy part. I also have to say that Kenny was absolutely fantastic after Hillsborough. Somebody had to lead from the front and it was Kenny and Marina who did it. To be involved in another, this time so close to home and involving people who were an integral part of my professional life, inevitably hit me even harder.
Whenever I think of Heysel, the first image that springs to mind is the expression on Joe Fagan's face as the terrifying scenes of crowd violence escalated to the point where the game that had been his whole life no longer meant anything. Following the announcement the day before that the European Cup final against Juventus would be his last as Liverpool manager, Joe deserved good memories of the occasion, no matter what the result. But, at the end, he looked a broken man.
Of all the men at Liverpool who went through the ordeal of Heysel, Joe, who was then in his mid-sixties and had decided to retire, was the one for whom I felt most sorry. In one way, though, he was lucky: at least he was not subjected to the nightmare of Hillsborough. It says much about the inner turmoil experienced by people at Liverpool FC that Kenny Dalglish inevitably the focal point of Liverpool's attempts to bring some measure of comfort to the mourning families, brought he Liverpool career to an end two years later and took a complete break from the game.
It affected everybody. It is incongruous to attempt to draw a parallel between the two disasters, given that the cause of Heysel was hooliganism and that Liverpool supporters were the perpetrators. At Hillsborough, they were the innocent victims. However, if there was one common denominator, it concerned the inadequate crowd arrangements. I would not dream of attempting to condone the conduct of the Liverpool fans whose war-like charge towards the Juventus followers' section resulted in many Italians being crushed under a crumbling wall.
However, I would suggest that whoever was responsible for putting two sets of supporters within such easy reach of each other, separated only by a flimsy wire fence, was failing in his duty. Because of the poor security arrangements, and the dilapidated, outdated Heysel Stadium, Liverpool had been edgy about the match for some weeks. About 10 days earlier, I remember bumping into Jim Kennefick, who handled the club's travel, as he was leaving the ground following a meeting with the directors.
During the World Cup finals in France, police ensured that no-one without a ticket could get within a mile of the stadiums on match days. There was no such security blanket in operation for the Liverpool-Juventus European Cup final. Indeed, from what I can make out, there was no security blanket at all.
It did not matter if anyone turned up without a ticket; it seemed that everyone got in and could go to whatever part of the stadium he wished. We could not get onto it because of a boys' match was taking place, so we decided to stretch our legs with a walk around the running track, towards the section where most of the fans were situated. As we approached, the Juventus followers started throwing what I took to be bricks.
It's hard to believe, isn't it? This was the showpiece match of the season in Europe, and it was being staged in a stadium that was not far short of a ruin. When we were back in the dressing room, we were unaware for some time of the extent to which the trouble had escalated.
We kept getting reports of what was going on, but none were official and they were contradictory. Inevitably, our first thoughts were for the safety of friends and families. My own group at the match were Janet and her family, my father and uncle, all whom seemed to me to be too far away from the madness to be swept up in it. We were getting so many conflicting reports that it was difficult for us to put the football in its proper context: it sounds terrible to say it, but my overriding anxiety was that we had a European Cup final to play, and I had to get myself ready for it.
I succeeded in getting myself so psyched up for the match that what was happening on the terraces was pushed into the background. Eventually, a UEFA official came into the dressing room to ask our captain, Phil Neal, to go over to the Liverpool fans to try to calm them down. When Phil came back, he said, 'People have died out there. There was further confusion when the kick-off was delayed, amid deliberations about whether the match should be postponed or cancelled.
By the time the decision was taken to play the game, on the premise that to cancel or postpone it would have been to invite further mayhem, I don't think anyone really cared about it. For me personally, the nightmare of Heysel was prolonged by the experience of my in-laws, who had been seated above the area where the Italian fans lost their lives and saw everything that happened.
For months afterwards my mother-in-law could not sleep. The experience was no less traumatic for the girlfriend of striker Paul Walsh, who was seized by a group of Italians and dragged off to look at the pile of dead bodies after the medical team had failed to revive them. For most people, the reaction to Heysel was one of shame a well as sadness.
Inevitably, the reaction to Hillsborough, where both sets of supporters were well behaved, was even more emotive. Millions of words have been written about exactly why the disaster occurred and who was to blame, but the bottom line was that it all stemmed from a catalogue of mistakes in policing and stewarding. It had been a disaster waiting to happen. It is widely acknowledged that the decision to put Liverpool's followers at the Leppings Lane end of the ground, rather than the much bigger Kop end, was one of the biggest mistakes that day.
It was a ludicrous decision if only because of the difference in size of the two clubs' support. Liverpool's average home attendance that season was around 40,, almost double Nottingham Forest's, yet Forest's fans were put in the section of the Hillsborough ground in which the capacity was twice as great as the area reserved for Liverpool's fans. This decision was made on the premise that the Leppings Lane end was the one that provided the easiest access to fans travelling to the game from Liverpool on the M It was overlooked that Liverpool had one the widest fan bases in England, and that their supporters would be descending on Hillsborough from all directions.
There was a crush involving Liverpool supporters outside the ground before the kick-off, partly because many arrived late and partly because only one entrance gate was open. The sensible thing to do then would have been to delay the start of the game, as often happens nowadays when there is a dangerous build-up of fans trying to get into a ground.
But, tragically, that did not happen. This was followed by another error. When the other access gates were opened, a breakdown in communication between the police officer monitoring the situation led to the fans being forced into the already packed central area of the terracing.
The central part was full to bursting point, but the two 'wings' were nearly empty. In those days, many leading English football stadiums had fenced in their terracing to stop fans going on to the pitch. However, I heard a number of complaints from supporters about the crowd-control methods at that tie, especially with regard to the build-up of fans trying to get into the ground. Of all the hundreds of matches I'd had for Liverpool, the semi-final was the one that I least wanted to take part in.
After being out of action for so long, I felt it was ridiculous to select me for my comeback in such an important match. I had originally intended to spend the afternoon playing golf and when I was told that I would be travelling to Sheffield with the squad, I took it that club just wanted me there to make me feel part of the first-team scene again.
Not for one moment did I think I had a chance of playing, not even when it became known that there were fitness doubts about other players. At our hotel on the Friday night, Ian Rush had been told to share a room with me because his usual room-mate, Barry Venison, was suffering from a virus, and as Ian himself had been out of the team through injury, we discussed other players whom Kenny Dalglish might bring into the side.
So, too did Ian, who was also unhappy about his level of match fitness. At It was me who got the short straw by being included in the starting line-up. Ian was on the bench. I tried to tell him that I laced the necessary match fitness, but Kenny, supported by his backroom staff, would have none of it. In the end I had to say, 'All right, but I'm not happy about it. By the time we got to the ground, my unease was so noticeable that some of the players were winding me up about it.
However, nothing before kick-off gave us a clue that this was not going to be a normal game. Some might find it strange that we didn't notice anything untoward during the pre-match warm-up, but then players don't look at the crowd, and I was warming up on the edge of our penalty area.
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